You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
