dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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