I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
