the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize