who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
