remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
