u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize