im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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