I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
