So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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