Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
