i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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