Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
4 words: hood of his car
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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