I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
smell my finger.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
