i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
