This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
