I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
