you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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