We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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