She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When did angry sex become our thing?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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