can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
