he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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