The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
