she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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