im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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