I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
