I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
