So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I just went to clothing optional bar
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
