he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize