He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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