Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
