that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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