Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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