He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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