i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
