we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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