I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
