Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize