So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
