how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
