dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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