the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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