I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
