You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
