I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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