you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
