If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
