turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
