In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
