There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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