The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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