Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
