I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
