So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
