Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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