i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
