Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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