he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
