Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
