Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you would pick up someone in the library
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
