Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize